Relationship Type 4 with Type 6 — The Enneagram Institute
Keep in mind that one can have a relationship with any type if the two people are healthy. and its interactions with other types, find your personality type below, and click on the type for the other person in the relationship. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. Apr 5, Sixes at their best in a relationship are warm, playful open, loyal, For information on teens as Questioners, see The Enneagram for Teens. The Enneagram 6 is is a perceptive, loyal, attentive personality with a strong belief that Challenges for this type include being reactive (defensive/ accusatory), doubting and procrastinating. Sixes identify the problem areas of a relationship.
Move into feelings and stay engaged in life. Allow for dependency and nurturance. Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention. A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional.
Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, intrusive behavior, need for approval and attention, hidden dependence, and tendency to over influence with emotions. Questioning mind, healthy skepticism, loyalty, concern for underdogs, analytic skills, warmth, and endurance.
Notice and moderate intrusiveness the big forward-moving energyemotional claims, and helpfulness. Practice directness in expressing own needs and desires. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, responsiveness, genuine caring, generosity, and sensitivity to others. Claim own authority and boundaries. State what actually is needed and desired. Encourage Giver to express own autonomy, needs, and desires. Reduce the tendency to magnify what can go wrong. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 7, the Epicure Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Both types enjoy the strengths they share in common — especially flexibility, friendliness and the love of freedom and the good life.
However, Givers can find Epicures overly self-referencing and self-serving, hence not paying enough attention to the relationship or sufficiently reciprocating in give and take. Givers can then feel neglected and unappreciated and become emotional, demanding, and guilt provoking.
Epicures, on the other hand, can find Givers overly focused on others, intrusive, and too needy of attention. A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can occur as the Epicure, feeling smothered and limited, can respond with escapism and rationalization and the Giver with angry outbursts and emotionality, possibly resulting in alienation and deterioration and even destruction of the relationship. Disowned needs and desires, preoccupation with relationship and connection, and tendency to become inadvertently emotionally controlling.
The many interests and ideas, healthy self-interest, idealism, flexibility, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Develop autonomy the separate or independent self. Work on providing the Epicure with space while maintaining connection. Express own deeper feelings, needs, and desires.
Allow for slowing pace and increasing receptive force. Avoidance of painful feelings, difficulty accepting naturally occurring limits, tendency to avoid emotional commitment, and self-referencing to own interests and ideas.
Giving and caring nature, strong relationship focus, generosity, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Commit to the relationship while asserting boundaries. Allow in feelings and concerns. In turn, the Protector often resists the influence and may react to feeling contained or manipulated with more confrontation and anger. Feeling rejected and devalued, the Giver may withdraw or burst out in anger and emotion.
This all can result in a deep rift in the relationship and repeated cycles of uncontained reactivity leading to destruction of the relationship.
- Enneagram Relationships & Marriages
- Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic
Failure to focus on and express own needs, habit of altering to please, desire for attention and approval, intrusiveness, and potentially inadvertent emotionally manipulative behavior designed to soften and modify Protectors. What to Appreciate in Protectors. Power and strength, assertiveness, encouragement and support of desires, zest for life, directness, and protectiveness.
Practice holding ground, expressing self directly, and claiming own needs. Work at accepting, not changing, the Protector.
Develop the separate or independent self. Become aware of and moderate intrusiveness and emotionality that the Protector experiences as controlling. Genuine care, helpfulness and willingness to give, sensitivity regarding feelings and relationships, and positive active energy.
Develop sensitivity to feelings and allow in own vulnerabilities. Manage energy expression and boundaries. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers and Mediators get along well together because they both are sensitive, pleasing, helpful, and accommodating.
But conflict arises when Givers become overly helpful and intrusive in an effort to get Mediators to set priorities, take initiatives, and say what they need even though Givers have great difficulty themselves with experiencing what they need.Making It Work with Enneagram Type 4
When this pattern persists, the relationship can deteriorate and even dissolve. Steadiness, patience, genuine care, acceptance of life, empathy, and the tendency to counter active energy with a slower pace and relaxed attitude. Notice and moderate emotions, pace, amount of advice. Develop and express own separate and independent self. Work at personal priorities and needs and encourage the Mediator to do likewise.
Genuine care, helpfulness, empathy, sensitivity regarding feelings, liveliness, and positive active energy. Work on own priorities, personal boundaries, and needs and encourage the Giver to do likewise. Take responsibility for own part in conflict.
Be willing to confront intrusion and over giving. They can live parallel yet supportive lives with each taking on the tasks necessary to function and attain goals. They may even become competitive, experience one another as obstacles in the path of attainment and success, and feel insufficiently recognized. A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can result when this occurs. Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship.
Inattention to feelings and relationship issues, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for too much recognition, and difficulty slowing pace. What to Appreciate in Other Performers. Notice pace and moderate pace and allow in the receptive force. Encourage expression of feelings in each other associated with the development of the receptive force. Create time for non-work related activities and simply the relationship.
Recognize that love comes from being, not doing. Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship.
This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship. Idealism, deep feelings, sensitivity to others, creative disposition, and quest for authenticity and depth. Allow self to experience depth of true feelings and more receptive force. Pay attention to and support the relationship. Attention going to what is missing rather than what is present, imbalance regarding feeling versus doing preoccupation with feelings and sometimes inattention to doingdesire for more attention and special treatment, and tendency to become self-centered.
Support for action, sustained effort, optimism, practicality, goal focus, and competence. Stay active and present even when feeling deficient. Balance the human feeling side of endeavors with action. Acknowledge own sense of wanting more attention and depth. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Observers support each other in work projects and shared activities.
As neither type habitually attends to feelings, they are unlikely to resolve the situation through dialogue and expression of personal feelings. They may become alienated and lonely leading eventually to termination the relationship.
Pressure to move ahead, focus mainly on tasks and goals, impatience with analysis, shared difficulty in expressing personal feelings, and tendency to cut corners.
Thoughtful analysis, thinking before doing, dispassion and relative calm under pressure, and undemanding quality. Allow for periods of inactivity and reflection while encouraging the Observer to stay engaged. Work on shared difficulty in paying attention to feelings. Respect boundaries and different work styles.
Notice and moderate the fast go ahead energy and pace. Can-do attitude, accomplishment orientation, competence, engagement in life tasks, showing care through doing and facilitating goals, and enthusiasm. Practice staying engaged and connected. Encourage Performer to moderate pace and activity level. Work on shared difficulty paying attention to feelings. Declare when alone time is needed. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts When sharing a common purpose or goal, Performers and Loyal Skeptics can complement each other well with an action orientation balanced by thoughtful downside analysis.
When Performers push ahead, somewhat blind to potential hazards and what can go wrong, Loyal Skeptics can react with caution and contrary thinking about pitfalls and worst case scenarios. A cycle of escalating conflict can take place with the Performer seeing this as putting up obstacles to progress and success, which evokes impatience and a push forward into action.
The Loyal Skeptic then can feel unheard and discounted, which increases his or her doubt and mistrust.
This can spiral into a web of angry allegations and eventually estrangement. Loyalty, warmth, healthy skepticism and questioning, ability to see the bigger picture, and sensitivity. Develop respect for pitfalls and downside of endeavors.
Practice expressing own true feelings. Notice and moderate fast pace and allow in receptive force.
Enneagram Type Comparisons • The Narrative Enneagram
Optimism, caring through doing, sustained focus on goals, positive go-ahead energy, and support for achievements. Practice trusting in plausible positive actions. Be clear about own position and feelings. Pay attention to and express positives.
Reduce tendency to either defer or challenge. Since both types avoid painful feelings and negatives, difficulties can reach crisis proportions before they are faced. This cycle of blame creates pain and anger in both.
If the difficulties are not faced, alienation can take place and the relationship can dissolve. Shared optimism and go-getter energy, mental quickness and inventiveness, positive possibility orientation, flexibility, and the playful adventuresome spirit. Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives and encouraging the Epicure to do likewise. Practice slowing the fast pace and allow in receptive force. Develop patience by noticing the tendency toward impatience and releasing from it.
Positive active energy, accomplishment and solution orientation, disciplined goal focus, practicality, and caring through doing. Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives, encourage the Performer to do likewise.
Come more into the present moment and away from future planning. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Protectors can join together in pursuit of shared goals with vigor and determination.
However, control and competition struggles can emerge unbuffered by softer feelings. A cycle of escalating conflict can ensue with the Protector picking up on the changes of position on the part of the shape-shifting Performer, leading to more provocation of the all-or-nothing style of confrontation. Hurtful fights, withdrawal, and disruption of the relationship may ensue leading to termination the relationship.
Strait-forwardness, big life energy, support for goals, action orientation, courage of convictions, and strength of purpose.
Enneagram Type Comparisons
Welcome negative feedback and challenge. Pay attention to own true feelings. Encourage the Protector to express his or her softer more vulnerable side. Go-ahead energy, goal-directedness, achievement orientation, flexibility, enthusiasm, and caring through doing. Recognize Performer for positive contributions and encourage the expression of true feelings.
Allow in own softer feelings and receptive force. In turn, Performers help to mobilize Mediators into action. Givers 2 and Observers 5 can be look-alike types because they are both sensitive to the claims and needs of important others, are quite giving and typically do not attend to their own feelings. Observers have intermittent periods of giving and responding to claims made by others. The times in between are punctuated by distinct periods of moving away, and disconnecting to recharge and protect personal boundaries.
Givers 2 and Loyal Skeptics 6 can be look-alike types because both can be warm and friendly, sensitive to others, disarming or seductive, and will defer to what others want or need. This applies especially to the more phobic or accommodating Six.
They also can both be anxious. In contrast, Loyal Skeptics will please others in order to gain certainty and security rather than a sense of self-worth. They tend to warily hold back, doubting themselves and other people. Also, Givers often feel indispensable, while Loyal Skeptics tend to spurn indispensability. Givers 2 and Epicures 7 can be look-alike types because both want to be liked, and are active, upbeat, energetic, charming or seductive, friendly and selective in relationships.
Givers alter themselves and move toward others, orienting primarily to the likes, wants and needs of others. Epicures can get absorbed in their own intellectual pursuits, are self-referencing, and tend to maintain their separateness. Both show active energy, assertiveness, intrusiveness, generosity, protectiveness toward others and attraction to power. By contrast, Protectors use their active energy to act forcefully in a way that often intimidates others, asserting their own position, wants and needs.
In the process, they orient toward the claims made upon them by others, losing awareness of their own needs and priorities. Givers are more active in focusing attention and energy on what others need, and they alter themselves to meet those needs.
Mediators are more reactive, allowing themselves to be pulled by whatever claims are made upon them. They blend in and disperse their energy to make things comfortable without changing their image. They share a concern for approval and recognition, and feel the need to maintain their image. Both are often intense, competitive and have a creative, inventive orientation.
Romantics, on the other hand, have difficulty sustaining a goal orientation due to deep and fluctuating feelings brought on by their preoccupation with relationships. Performers 3 and Observers 5 can be look-alike types because both can be oriented toward tasks, activities and getting things done. They also detach from or suspend their feelings to avoid being overly influenced by them.
Performers experience an abundance of energy often engaging in continuous activity, with a concern for presenting a good image. In contrast, Observers believe they have a limited amount of energy, and consequently are active and energetic in bursts. Highly mental, they intersperse their activity with distinct periods of retraction to allow time to recharge and think things over.
Both types are personable, practical, hard workers and highly active. They thrive on success, compliments and recognition. Loyal Skeptics, on the other hand, need to get mobilized for action, overcoming perceived pitfalls and doubts. They are uncomfortable with compliments and tend to doubt them.
Performers 3 and Epicures 7 can be look-alike types because both are energetic, assertive, upbeat, task-oriented, activity-oriented and often overbooked. They tend to avoid negative feelings.
Performers are driven to succeed because they want to maintain a good image and receive external approval for what they accomplish in order to sustain their self-worth. Epicures naturally focus on their own pleasures and interests, and experience a sense of personal entitlement, especially to keeping their options open. Performers 3 and Protectors 8 can be look-alike types because they are assertive, determined, action and goal-oriented, and willing to take charge.
Both can radiate competence and confidence, and may inadvertently step on anyone who gets in their way. Performers will shift gears, alter themselves and change direction somewhat like chameleons to accomplish their goals. Their anger mostly comes up when they feel obstructed in reaching a goal. In contrast, Protectors will hold to a position, become confrontational, and express anger directly and easily. Both are personable, practical, amiable and competent.
They also both depend on external support and approval. Performers are fast-paced, efficient, focused on achieving goals, and impatient when obstacles get in their way. Both can be analytical, introspective, internalized, sensitive and shy yet appear superior. Sixes often misidentify themselves initially as Fours because of the traits that they actually have in common.
These very traits can also be ones that they bring to the relationship, enabling them to have an unusual degree of empathy and tolerance for each other. In short, Fours and Sixes can bring to each other the feeling that they are kindred souls, connected by their feelings of abandonment and a certain distrust of others.
They may feel like "orphans in the storm" who offer mutual support and reassurance. Rather than energize each other, when they are healthy, Fours and Sixes tend to support and stabilize each other, usually acting as a sounding board for worries and complaints that they feel they cannot air anywhere else.
Fours bring sensitivity, sensuality, and the ability to express emotions openly, including the feelings that Sixes themselves do not know how to express. Fours talk about their inner lives—again, something that Sixes often need to learn. Sixes bring hard work, perseverance, practicality, loyalty, and concern with security to the relationship.