11 WAys Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children
How to spot a narcissistic father and how to heal from him. The father-daughter relationship is a special one! It should (you embarrass me), and emotional coercion (you are not a good daughter/son if you do not live up to my expectations). In general, here's how a narcissistic father can affect a daughter or son. are both natural ways to keep relationships safe; it's understanble and self protective. Narcissistic parents, by definition, can only see a relationship in terms of how it You aren't a bad daughter or son just because you have (finally) made your.
Nothing his children do is ever good enough. He is intolerant of anything less than perfection— perfection as defined by his distorted ideals. To maintain his delusional, spotless self-image, he demands his children be impeccable in looks, exemplary in actions, and unequalled in performance. All demands narcissistic fathers place on their children are hypocritical and contradictory. These men are disrespectful to their children but intolerant of their insubordination.
They are derogatory and vulgar in the way they speak to their children but expectant of refinement and decency from them. Their thinking is backward. The behaviors narcissistic fathers consider disrespectful and insulting—independent thinking, assertion of autonomous beliefs, judgments and opinions, and expression of personal likes and dislikes—are the very things most fathers praise and encourage in their kids.
Children in these environments have no rights and no voice. Their fathers consider themselves lords and masters over their families.
All decisions are to be made by them, no questions asked. Fathers may threaten to send the children away or leave them, or threaten bodily harm or death. They can never be sure of what their maniacal father is capable. Narcissistic fathers also punish their children through guilt trips with statements such as: As owners of their children, narcissistic fathers feel entitled to feed off of them at will.
They claim the right to abuse them mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. Some fathers, the worst of the worst, sexually abuse as well. Children have no right to their futures. Their fathers quash their dreams, goals and plans. Their career paths are chosen for them without any consideration for what they want to do with their lives.
How a Parent's Narcissistic Personality Disorder Affects Their Child | WeHaveKids
They want their children to be successful so they can take credit for their achievements, but there is one catch: Narcissistic fathers demoralize their children.
Those who dare to ask for anything more than what is offered are told they are greedy. They are accused of only loving their father for his money. Their father chooses what his child will and will not have, and when he or she will have it.
Tyrannical Rule of the Narcissistic Father | Randi G. Fine
Nothing given is permanent; everything comes with a high price tag. No matter how devoted the children are or how hard they try to please their father, they are forever held in debt. Nothing they have done before gets credited to them. They are only reminded of what they owe their father in the moment. While all the children in the family strive to please their father, only one child at a time will be recognized for it. As is true with all narcissistic parents, fathers choose only one golden child.
The rest of the children are assigned scapegoat or invisible children roles. The golden child is clearly favored, but he knows that the stakes for that veneration are high. He never confuses the preferential treatment he receives from his father with paternal love.
His father may toss more crumbs his way than he does his siblings, but true parental love is never shown. The narcissistic father blinds the golden child into believing that he has the most wonderful, generous father in the world and should be grateful for his privileged status. But the golden status is highly conditional.
For one, it often requires the child take sides with his father against his mother and less favored siblings. He is deliberately misled by lies his father tells him to ensure that allegiance. He must also be available to his father, comply with all his rules, and revere him.
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Any infractions could boot him right out of golden status and get him demoted to scapegoat status. The scapegoat role is typically assigned to sons with less machismo or daughters, but any child can end up in that doghouse. Boys who are assigned the role of scapegoat have it rough. Their father mercilessly picks on and bullies them. Scapegoat sons can never rise above the labeling their narcissistic father puts on them.
All attempts to demonstrate their masculinity are met with ridicule. They are constantly being yelled at, put down, teased, and called names. Scapegoat sons can only endure the relentless abuse for so long before their hurt turns to anger and they act out. Some run away from home to escape the tyranny, some get into trouble at school or with the law. Some hold out until they are able to achieve independence and then leave as soon as they possibly can.
Many numb their pain through substance abuse. Whatever the method of self-liberation, most of them will permanently sever ties with their father. Daughters raised under the oppression of a narcissistic father seem to have a different experience than sons do. Some narcissistic fathers begin treating their daughters as if they do not exist.
Others may continue paying attention to their daughters but in an entirely negative way. Physically maturing girls may be told they are fat or unattractive. Daughters are not the only females in the family treated poorly.
How a Parent's Narcissistic Personality Disorder Affects Their Child
Narcissistic men are emotionally and sometimes physically cruel to their wives as well. Though the spousal abuse occurs away from the public eye, it usually happens in front of the children. Narcissistic fathers frequently place their children in the middle of their marital conflicts and make them choose sides.
These things do not concern him. The only feelings that ever matter are his own. All family members are expected to sacrifice their happiness for his. Still, nothing about his family makes him happy. He prefers not to be with his family at all. If he does spend time with them, the activity must always be focused on his enjoyment. Perhaps the most important thing to do for yourself toward healing is to reconnect with your feelings.
They are there, and they always have been. Let them in, listen to them, carry them with respect.
Since you have been violated in innumerable ways by your parent syou will have to navigate through intense hurt and anger. Most narcissists constantly project their own bankrupt motives and emotions onto others and blame others for or even accuse them of their own abusive behavior, so at first you may not know what you really feel versus what you have been brainwashed to believe.
As you learn to attune to your feelings, be patient. Try not to judge yourself. Feelings are feelings are feelings. They deserve, and in the scheme of things insist upon, recognition and respect. Narcissists are experts at deflecting and projecting blame onto others.
If they punched you, you drove them to it. One of the best ways to break your unhealthy family dynamics is to stop blaming yourself for what was never your responsibility or fault to begin with.
Stop Hurting Yourself Along with not blaming yourself, chances are you need to stop patterns of self-abuse. As someone raised in a narcissistic family, you are prone to risky, self-punishing, and self-soothing but destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse and addictions, self-harm, and thrill-seeking. By engaging in such behavior you continue to give the narcissist power over you.
You also exacerbate the emotional and physiological trauma you have already endured. Patterns of addiction and self-harm can be extremely hard to break, so seek help and support from people who understand the dynamics of narcissism.
Be Aware of Your Attractions with Narcissists To add further injury to injury, many adult children of narcissists are vulnerable to being drawn into relationships with narcissists beyond their family of origin, including partners, friends, and bosses.
It sucks, but there is no shame in this: Keep educating yourself about narcissism.
Only about 6 percent of people have NPD. There are a lot of nonnarcissists out there, so go find them! Honor Your Feelings About Your Narcissist Parent Most of us love our parents, no matter what, and we cling to our need for love and validation from them. Your narcissistic parent cannot love you unconditionally the way we all deserve to be loved within our families, and for that matter is capable of no more than fleeting empathy.
Yet you may still love that parent. It is also possible that you are numb to your parent or too used up to feel love anymore. Whatever you feel, try not to judge yourself for it. Honor your feelings and let them be your guide in how you choose to interact with your family. Go no contact if that feels like the safest choice. Or operate with firm boundaries and lowered expectations.
Narcissist parents, unless they are true sadists, are usually capable of affection for their children, at least sometimes. Some may be able to give in ways that you find nurturing or helpful. With a healthy dose of skepticism, take the good when it comes, as limited as it may be.
Take a look at yourself. What do you do that reminds you of your narcissist mother or father? Are you quick to anger?