Reacher and settler in every relationship there is a gardener

Chakotay and Janeway romance | Page 6 | The Trek BBS

But when it comes to relationships, who wins and who loses? A few years She settled in every sense of the word. I'm a reacher. Always. There was an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that discussed the theory that every “good relationship” has both a “reacher” and a “settler. Guy Gardener Fleet Admiral Admiral. Joined: Apr Every relationship is made up of two types a people, a reacher and a settler. One is I know that there are a lot of fan fic authors that write Chakotay as the "alpha" male type, but I find nothing wrong with the "beta" Chakotay we saw most often on Voyager.

No one "wins" our arguments, we resolve them equally.

Chakotay and Janeway romance

We go to bed angry, unresolved. There's no way around it. When you spend that much time around a single person, who has grown up in a very different way than you have, you're going to have conflicts no matter what, and sometimes those differences aren't easy to resolve.

But when you do get into a fight with your partner, who tends to win? Question 3 I'm always having to do all the work. We don't decide on something until both of us are happy with it.

My partner pushes me into decisions, but I don't always think they're a good idea. We're always fighting about what happens next. Being in a couple means that you have to make a lot of big decisions together, especially as your lives begin to become more and more intertwined.

When this process begins, many relationships tend to develop a "leader," a person who takes charge of a lot of the big decisions. Who is this, in your relationship? Question 4 Do you guys go out together? We kinda do our own thing, and don't go out together. My partner always drags me along to things, so I try to be okay with it. We enjoy doing things together! The events I want to go to are more interesting than the ones my partner likes, but they come along with me.

Sometimes staying at home is good, especially for a romantic movie, but everyone has to go out from time to time, right? When you do, what does such an excursion look like, exactly? Let us know how it happens, according to whichever answer most closely matches your experiences within your relationship.

Question 5 We're both intelligent in our own way. I'm definitely smarter than my partner. I think my partner is probably smarter than I am. I think my partner is kind of an idiot, honestly. Other people might dispute this, but in your humble opinion, are you more intelligent than your partner is?

Or perhaps, do you think that your partner is a lot smarter than you are? Intelligence is a hard thing to measure -- and maybe it shouldn't be measured -- but let us know your thoughts on this.

Question 6 If you broke up, what would happen? They'd probably find someone better than me. I'd sleep with someone else the next day. We'd both be hurt, and probably try to be friends. They'd probably try to kill me. Or I'd try to kill them. Okay, let's face the question that no one ever wants to face, for obvious reasons. Let's say that, worse case scenario, you and your partner have a huge falling out.

You're both forced to call it quits and walk away.

Are You The Reacher Or The Settler In Your Relationship?

If this terrible event were to occur, then what do you think would happen afterward? Question 7 Who would break up with who? I'd probably be the one to break it off, if it came down to it. They'd have to be the one, I could never do it. We'd have a lot of long conversations about it, and probably come to an agreement. Someone would probably get killed. Following from the previous question, here's an additional query: Would you break it off, or would your partner be the one?

Try to imagine the scenario, painful as it might be, and see what seems most likely. Question 8 Who causes all the problems? I cause all the problems. My partner is a saint. My partner causes all the problems. I think we both try really hard at the relationship, to make it work. We both do terrible things to each other. As we all know, and as we've covered previously, arguments are a major part of any relationship.

But when it comes to problems, who is usually the guilty party? Are you -- or your partner -- too confrontational, or perhaps too emotionally repressed? Is one person noticeably more problematic than the other? Question 9 We're really lucky to have each other. We're terrible for each other, probably. I wish my partner would step it up more.

I'm always worried that my partner will find someone better. Do you think you deserve your better, or are you just really, really lucky to have them? Do you often worry that maybe you've pulled the wool over their eyes -- or maybe, you're always thinking that you could do better?

What sounds the most like your relationship? Although I think it's in different ways. People tend to immediately think of the imbalance in attractiveness when they consider who the reacher and settler it, but there are other factors like your job, your intelligence, your humour, your income. For example in my relationship at the moment, I'm the settler in attractiveness, but the reacher in job status.

It's horrible to say, but I think I would have a few more choices of partners if we were to break up. It seems that when one person believes they aren't good enough and the other thinks they are too good, there could be some large problems in a romance.

Lead researcher Daniel Conroy-Beam, stated that while the study didn't focus on individual couples for long enough to conclude that imbalanced relationships like this were headed for disaster, he expected that most of the pairings would begin to see cracks once the settler's status led them to meet more people at their calibre; either this, or if the reacher's attractiveness took a low enough dip.

Yet, if this horrendous theory is, in fact, true, how is anyone ever happy in a relationship? They know the other person loves them more, so they don't have to worry about being rejected. But because they're safe Patterns of Love and Power in Intimate Relationships, he states that this doesn't have to be the downfall of a relationship, stating there are key tips to turn a flagging romance into a more balanced, fulfilling and enduring love.

Experts like him have cited communication, honesty and appreciation as potential aids to soothe an unbalanced relationship, but at the same time, have admitted that not all uneven love affairs can be saved. Is anyone else feeling a little deflated? We all know that Hollywood rom-coms lie to us, but who knew real-life romance was this bleak? Call me a rookie in the ways of reaching and settling, but it seems to be that in order for a relationship to truly work, you need to feel comfortable with your place in it and believing that you're either a reacher or a settler isn't going to do this.

But it sure is a difficult theory to banish from your mind.