Being a Stepdad: 3 Things That Will Absolutely Wreck Your Relationships - The Good Men Project
stepchildren are more distant from their families than are biological children . address the association between the presence of stepfathers for children and. Can a step father have a good relationship with a step son? Absolutely! I know of quite a few step-father/step-son relationships that I would. Perhaps that's why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain.
If so, there were probably significant unfinished problems between the divorced parents which were not brought up in therapy. If all three of his co-parents were psychologically wounded, the adolescent boy had probably begun developing his own wounds.
Several or all of these people and other family members? The adults were unaware of this and how to evaluate it.
The REAL causes of stepchild-steparent relationship problems
His disrespect added to the stepfather's disapproval of the boy. Because of the couple's widespread unawareness, most of these problems weren't identified as therapeutic goals.
This ensured that - unless both adults were open to learning about and admitting all these problems - therapy would "fail" not improve the stepparent-stepchild relationship and reduce household stress. Their wounds and ignorance made such openness unlikely. As is common, the biomom sought professional help for this growing problem in her home and remarriage.
Being a Stepdad: 3 Things That Will Absolutely Wreck Your Relationships
Her "well educated" husband seemed to feel it was her job to correct her son and solve their problems, rather than admit he was half of the multiple problems. This is GWC denial distortion in action. What do you notice about this daunting web of interactive surface and underlying primary stepfamily problems?
Perspective Problems between stepparents and stepkids may surface during adult courtship, or develop over some years as everyone ages and co-parents' several biofamilies slowly merge. Problems are usually compounded by concurrent relationship stresses between divorcing parents, biological and step siblings, and adults and their parents, relatives, and in-laws In other words, stepparent-stepchild problems usually occur among an interactive web of family-relationship stressors.
The best way to reduce or adapt to stepchild-stepparent problems is to see them as part of a dynamic mosaic of all relationship problems in a multi-home stepfamily, not just an individual problem. As a foundation for improving stepchild relationships, help all your adults appreciate the special adjustment tasks that typical stepkids face. Stepparents and other adults have their own complex family-merger tasks to master as they try to help their stepkids master theirs.
With any relationship "problem," two broad possibilities are: The first can only be accepted, not "fixed. Possible Root Problems If you have a stepparent and stepchild who "don't get along" well enough, several of the issues below may be contributing to the problem. Many of the links below will take you to a new article, so I suggest you finish this article before clicking any links.
You will find much more success with this strategy than immediately striking out on your own and assuming the role of disciplinarian. Step-parents who believe that the children interfere with the romantic relationship. The challenge is to quickly identify what is causing this belief and do everything possible to correct it. For example, if the biological parent is overtly giving priority treatment to their own kids, this can create a real resentment in the step parent.
That resentment can then lead to a belief that the kids are interfering with the romantic relationship. Like most roles we take on, the more knowledgeable we are about the pitfalls and how to avoid them the more empowered we are to experience much greater success.
The Effective Stepfather: A Check-List to Live By
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Thank you for your continued support! Featured ContentParenting Tagged With: Lynn Wicker, has dedicated her life to helping others. She's spent the last 30 years teaching and leading in the public education arena. She is an expert in the areas of leadership and parenting through her adding value lifestyle. Until then, you must cope with feeling out-of-control and find ways to work within the system as it is. Here are some tools that might help. Much like a teacher at school, you have positional power.
As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain relational power because they now care about you personally.
Your opinions matters more, your validation is sought after, and your warm embrace feels safe. In the beginning, when limited to positional power, effective stepfathers provide in-direct leadership in their home by leading through their wife who holds a great deal of relational power with the children.
Work with her behind the scenes to establish boundaries, expectations, and the values that will govern your home. While she might be the one to communicate the values and hand down discipline, you can still be very responsible to set a godly tone for the family.
In fact, they may be threatened by it. Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.
Be patient with their adjustment to your marriage, but communicate your commitment to the permanency of the marriage nevertheless. Communicating that same understanding to their father is also very helpful to him; hopefully this will help him to not fear your involvement with his kids.
As his fear decreases, his cooperative spirit about your presence may increase. Finally, tell your stepkids that you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for the child.