Meet the Parents Quotes
View Quote. Jack: Just gotta do one more thing. Dina: What's that? Jack: Meet his parents. . 'Kevin: Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early. Quotes. Greg Focker: It's beautiful what is it? Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH Chupah? Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse. Greg Focker: Yes. Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents - Fav. Comment (1) "Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I'd have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter.
What are you doing? I told you my dad sees smoking as a sign of weakness. Okay, all right, I'll leave 'em in the car. No, no, no, no, he'll check there.
Yeah, the roof is probably a better idea. And, oh, uh, we're not living together. I thought you said you told him. I missed you so much, Pamcake. I missed you too, Flapjack. Mom, Dad, this is Greg. I'm Pam's father, Jack Byrnes. Great to finally meet you. Welcome to Oyster Bay. What are you driving there, a Ford? Oh, yeah, it's a Taurus. We were gonna get a mid-size, but I figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks.
Might as well go all out, pop for the full-size. Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Well, they say geniuses pick green. What smells of old sour milk? Oh, poor Greg got spit up on by a baby. Yeah, he did, Ma, at the lost luggage counter. The airline lost his bag. What about you, honey? Oh, no, no, no. It'll turn up, I'm sure. And anyway, Greg, meanwhile, anything you need, just ask.
Mi casa es su casa. Oh, now, Greg, you have a very unique last name. Um, we were curious, how do you pronounce it? Oh, just like it's spelled. There's our little guy. Come to Daddy, Jinxy. This is Pam's cat, Jinxy. Jinxy, say hello to Greg. That took me another week. Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.
Yeah, I left him here when I moved to Chicago. Your daddy's found his new best friend. You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty. Dad, that's kinda weird, isn't it? Now we don't have to smell kitty litter all the time. How did you teach the cat to use the toilet? Oh, that was easy, Greg. I just designed a litter box to put inside the toilet, and then once he got used to it, I took it away. But I don't think he likes it. I mean, every chance he gets, he tries to dig, squat and bury.
I had to move all my potted plants off the floor. Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up. He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and the opposable thumbs. Opposable-- I didn't think about that.
Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills. One of those things, isn't it, sweetheart? I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover. Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg.
I don't hate cats at all. Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate. I-- I'm being honest. Honey, why don't we let the kids freshen up, huh? Greg, you come with me. We'll get you something to wear from Jack's closet, okay? Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey.
Hey, listen, be nice to this one, okay? I kinda like him. Shirt fit okay, Greg? Tom Collins coming up. Yeah, but you didn't have to tell them right when we met. It just kinda slipped out. Get your red-hot papooses. My goodness, what is that?
Oh, that's just a little something from me. Look, honey, Greg brought us a present. Oh, isn't that nice? Oh, look at this. It's a flower pot with the dirt in it. The bulb of a Jerusalem tulip. Which I was told is one of the rarest and most beautiful flowers in existence. Oh, right, right, the Jerusalem-- From the "Jerusales tulipesias" genus.
Anyway, yeah, the guy said with regular watering, it should bloom in about six months, so-- Oh, we'll look forward to that, Greg. I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage. Oh, is that better than a nurse? No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E. It's where all the top nurses work. Well-- No, they do. No, Jack, not traditionally.
Oh, Pam, honey, did you know that your father started his own business? Yes, I thought with my knowledge and experience, why should I allow retirement to stop me? I really admire that. So what is it? What's the new venture? Let me ask you a question, Greg.
Let's just say you have kids So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience-- it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg? Sure, I think so. No, the answer is you cannot. Let me show you something. Take a look at this, Greg.
What's this look like to you? Um-- [Squeaks] This looks like a teddy bear. Smile, you're on "Nanny Camera. I've seen these things advertised on TV.
Oh, no, not like this, you haven't. Where's the other camera? Right here in this decorative artifact. Our cameras are motion-activated, so they begin taping as soon as they sense any movement. We can hide 'em in anything. We hide 'em in mirrors, lamps, televisions, you name it.
So no matter where you go, we'll be watching you. You know, invasion of privacy? Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll understand the need for this level of protection. Honey, I'll get it. Any problem with the documents? I'll meet you at the Oyster Bay Drugstore in about minutes. Now you gotta be more careful when you call here. If anybody else answers, just use a Southern accent We're all out of Collins mix, so I'm gonna make a run for the store.
I thought I just bought some. You know how that stuff-- it just goes, so I'll be back in a jiff. Well, why doesn't Greg go with you? Sweetie, you'll need something in case your suitcase doesn't show up. You don't wanna take a chance. You don't have a toothbrush. Okay, unless you want some privacy. Why would I need privacy? No, I didn't think you would. Okay, let's head out. Have fun, you guys. Pam, he seems wonderful. We have the best time together. Now, have you two been mm, mm, mm?
Oh, thinking about anything permanent. Oh, I don't know. I mean, we haven't really discussed it, but I definitely have a feeling this is it. This car is-- You got-- What do you use? Hey, you know, Jack, now that we have a second to talk, I just want you to know how much Pam means to me. I know-- I know that we haven't been together that long, but the time that we have spent together has been really incredible.
Greg, how come you don't like cats? I don't not like cats. I-l just-- I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know-- Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of-- You need that assurance? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal? I-- You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down.
A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. You like Peter, Paul and Mary? I'm a big fan. Puff the magic dragon Dragon Lived by the sea Great song. Yeah, one of my favorites. Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh? No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Some people think that Well, Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon. Are you a pothead, Focker? No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm-- I'm not-- I-- I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time. Yes or no, Greg? Hey, Greg, I'll meet you back out front in about Do you have any of those nicotine patches?
We have the gum. And what's your most expensive bottle of champagne? It's on sale for. You can get a whole bunch of Mumm's. I've been ready, yeah. They ran out of Collins mix. I grew up on a farm. Dankeschoen Get your hot buns, hot patooties. Wow, Dina, everything looks fabulous. It's such a treat for me to have a home-cooked meal like this. Dinner at my house usually consisted of everybody in the kitchen What, there wasn't enough food to go around? We just never really sat down like a family like this.
Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? Unless you have some objection. No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I said grace at many a dinner table. O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle And we thank You, Osweet, sweet Lord of hosts You have so aptly lain at our table this day Day by day by day.
O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly Oh, Greg, that was lovely. That was interesting too. Oh, that's a-- that's a lovely vase. Let me guess, Jack. Is that one of your secret cameras too? Greg, that's an urn which holds the remains of Jack's mother. You didn't know, Greg. I'm-- That's our Gran-gran. We like to think of her as watching over us as we eat. Miss you every day. Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that. You see, when Jack had to retire The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Please, we really wanna hear it. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate So-So-- So much love, yet also so much information. Greg, would you like some yams?
You must've had vegetables fresher than that, growing up on a farm, Greg. Dad, uh, Greg grew up in Detroit. He told me he grew up on a farm. In fact, Jack, I should clarify this. I didn't actually grow up The house we grew up in was originally erected So that, plus we had a lot of pets-- - Which one did you milk then?
Honey, he said he pumped milk. What have you ever milked? I milked a cat once. You wanna hear a story? My sister had a cat, and the cat birthed a litter of kittens. Must've been of them, and there was this one little runt I went in and just simply, you know, just-- into a little saucer, then took the saucer and fed it to Geppetto-- that's what I named him.
I had-- I had no idea you could milk a cat. Oh, yeah, you can milk anything with nipples. I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me? Okay, could we change the subject perhaps? I thought maybe we could celebrate with a little bubbly.
Can you milk me? Would anybody care for a bottle of Oyster Bay Drug and Sundries finest champagne? That is so sweet of you, Greg. Isn't that a nice gesture? How could I have seen Debbie's ring, Mom? Well, when I gave Bob the okay to propose to Deb, I put him in touch with my diamond guy, and he picked out the same design Kevin gave you. Kevin, your old boyfriend? Well, yeah, Kevin was Pam's fianc?
Greg, sweetie, how you doing? Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him. At least back then he was still talking to me. I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close.
Who, Daddy and me? No, Kevin and you. Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts? You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown. That was a long time ago, Pam. Yeah, okay, well, so was this. Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else. Like you worked out together? No, no, it was nothing, nothing. It was a stupid sexual thing. I'm gonna go throw up now. Kevin and I were only engaged for a month before I realized that I'd made a mistake, okay?
I-l-l gave back the ring, I moved to Chicago, and I met and fell in love with you, okay, so can we please drop this? I just feel like this is not going well at all. I feel like your dad hates me.
He doesn't hate you, sweetie.
Meet the Parents Quotes
Just give him a chance, all right? Maybe he's nervous too, huh? I thought he would love my gift, you know, being this big flower guy, but it's like he didn't even show the slightest bit of interest.
You are the most adorable, loving, sweetest man in the whole world, and I love you. And very soon my parents are gonna see that Speaking of growing to love you-- Honey, it's late. I know it's late. Winky is still on Chicago time, and we both know there's only one way to make Mr. What's with the robe? My pajamas are in the suitcase with everything else. Hey, I'll lend you a pair of Jack's.
You don't have to do that, Dina. Look, Greg, I just wanna say, don't worry about what happened tonight. Still, I feel horrible. I mean-- Well, it was a horrible thing. But let's just put all that behind us and enjoy our weekend together.
These'll do just fine. See you in the morning. Have a nice sleep. Oh, no, no, no, Greg, we made up the pullout for you down in the den. Oh, okay, 'cause Pam said I should sleep in Debbie's room. Well, Debbie'll be sleeping here tomorrow. This way, you'll have more privacy, you'll have your own bathroom. Just try not to flush the toilet. It's always a little quirky. I understand it's the st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway.
Keep your snake in its cage for hours. At Atlantic American Airways, customer satisfaction always comes first. We are experiencing heavy call volume. Your call is very important to us. It will be answered in approximately minutes. Please press " " if you'd like to talk to a representative. Please call back-- Oh! I don't know what it is, but there's just something about him that's a little off.
Meet the Parents Quotes | 97 quotes by |
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack, you know we've been through this I think Greg-- he's a lovely young man. And, honey, Pam thinks he might be the one. She said those exact words? I didn't tape record it, Jack, but that's the impression. What kind of a family doesn't have time to sit down for dinner? Please try to enjoy the weekend, honey.
Both our daughters are in love. That's what I'm worried about. Oh, geez, I just realized something. Looking for something, Greg?
Jesus, Jack, you scared me. I heard a noise, so I came down to see if everything was okay. I just-- I'm sorry. I saw a light on, and I kinda stumbled in. I didn't realize-- That's okay. No, not at all. I mean, I mean-- I mean, this is great, though. I love this-- what you-- it's a cozy little nook. I noticed you were looking at that when I came in. It's an antique polygraph machine. Is that what that is? I've seen these before, but I never saw one actually up close.
Why don't you try that on? We'll have some fun. I'll show you how it works. You have nothing to hide. They're-- You'd be surprised how accurate they are. They can tell fairly easily if someone's lying or not. Now I'm gonna ask you some questions, and all you have to do is answer "yes" or "no. Let's give it a whirl. Did you fly on an airplane today? No, it was rare. It was a little rare for my taste.
The needles are jumping. Have you ever watched pornographic videos? No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me. Well, did you lie to him? I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-- What'd you tell him? Your mother walked in Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine? Well, he doesn't need a machine.
He's a human lie detector. Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C. How could you not tell me this? I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly He's in the C.
He was a spy? He is a spy? No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.
You're doing great, okay? This is a lot to take in, honey. Oh, I know, but you're doing fine. I'm not supposed to let the snake out of my cage. I told your dad I wouldn't touch you for hours. Okay, I'm not in junior high anymore, so-- No, no, no. I want to try to respect his rules, okay? Uh, why don't you go ahead and get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning.
Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night. Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger. I'm just being humorous. But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call Let's go inside and have breakfast.
Not at the table, honey, please. You must be Greg. Nice 'do, nice 'do. I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be.
You can call me Bob Whoa, now, cut that out. You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry. Hey, why don't I get you a chair, Greg? So, you didn't want to go for the M. No, I actually thought about becoming a doctor, but I decided it wasn't for me. Oh, he did more than okay. Why did you take the test if you weren't planning on going to med school? Well, I wanted to keep my options open, but in the end, nursing was a better fit for me.
It gives you the freedom to work in several different areas of medicine. Wasn't your friend Andy supposed to be here by now? I thought Deb told you. Andy threw out his back. He can't make the wedding. Now I have to reconfigure the whole procession. Um, Bob, why doesn't Greg stand in for Andy, be the usher? Bob, Greg'll be your second usher.
Yeah, yeah, okay, sure. Let's all finish up and get ready to go In that case, I'd better get upstairs Dina, thank you so much for breakfast. Why didn't you wake me up? Don't worry about it. Tell that to Dr. Torquemada in there with the Grand Inquisition.
Go take a shower, get dressed and come back down. No, I don't-- Come on. I just-- No, I don't feel comfortable wearing your dad's underwear. Okay, well, go wake up Denny and borrow some of his. You want me to go wake up your brother who I never met Top of the stairs, turn right. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell you doing in here? I'm-- I'm Greg, Pam's friend. Were you just sniffing my boxers, dude?
No, no, she said I could come up here, maybe borrow some clothes from you. Do me a favor. Yeah, so, it's all good. Dad keeps you guys under a pretty close watch, huh?
No, it's not that bad. Your little Pamcake's got it a lot worse than I do. You need some clothes. Yes, that would be-- that would be great. Glad to hook you up. Like what you done with the crib.
Yeah, I think these ought a do it. All right, here you go, chief. Thanks a lot, Denny. Oh, and don't worry about the little covert op, all right? I'll keep it on the lowdown.
Larry, Linda, Debbie, Bob, honey. Now, I'm gonna activate the alarm. It'll go off in T minus seconds. I don't think I need a jacket. It's cold out, honey. Here, take Denny's jacket. Hey, Denny, I'm lending Greg your jacket, okay? Denny, how's the tux fit?
Dad, uh-- What's that? I-It's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket. This isn't a sculpture, Denny. This is a device for smoking marijuana. I like the top hat. Can I talk to you for a minute? Did I not clearly explain the circle of trust to you, Greg? Mm, yeah, I think I got it. Then is there something you wanna tell me? Mm, l-l don't think so. Didn't we have a discussion yesterday in the car about this?
You mean me and Pam. Yes, I would love to talk to you about that. We're not talking about Pam. We're talking about you. See, if I can't trust you, Greg, then I have no choice And once you're out, you're out. There's no coming back.
Mm, well, I would definitely like to stay inside the circle. Well, then, tell me the truth. Jack, I don't know what we're talking about.
All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you.
But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.
I thought we were going to Kevin's house. This is Kevin's new house. Oh, this is a crazy house. Not bad, huh, Dad? Maybe he uses marijuana for medicinal purposes. People do that nowadays.
Honey, this kid has been lying to us from the moment we met him. Get in some quality time with the boys? Uh-huh, yeah, it was fun. Listen, I hope this lunch isn't too weird for you. Q at Best Man's" be weird? I was sure I told you. Kevin is Bob's best man. This is his place. How does he know Bob? I was really lucky I was able to salvage this wood Kevin, the house is amazing.
This is where Maybe you should have gotten married here. All right, the sun is out, the grill is hot and the pool is luke. If I can interest you in a swim and a little B. Q, just follow me.
It must cost a fortune to heat this place. I don't know why I thought you knew. It-- It's not a big deal. If I can handle a weekend without sex and cigarettes, I think I can handle an afternoon with your ex-fianc? Now, for the floor that you're walking on, I chose this Bolivian wormwood. I think it works well in here. I have the Viking range here and the twin Sub-Z's. Yeah, they open up right there. Oh, I get it.
Yeah, kind of blend in. Are you a homeowner, Greg? No, no, I rent. So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo? Gosh, things have been going so great lately.
I got in early on some wireless I. What line of work are you in? There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that. You gotta strike while the iron's hot. That's great to give something back like that. Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad.
You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table. O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts You have so aptly lain at our table this day Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
That was interesting too. Your dad has totally turned you against me. I didn't turn her against you. You did that to yourself. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here. I'm a very accepting person, Focker. All I ask for is honesty. You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack? Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty. Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack. What's he talking about, Dad? Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets I don't know what you're talking about.
Cat got your tongue? Hey, Pam, guess what. Daddy's planning a little covert operation in Thailand for the day after the wedding. Round and round we go, Jack. I bet everybody would love to hear about your rendezvous You know what I'm talking about. Where the guy gave you the passports and the documents. Or how about your little phone call in Thai?
Jack can't talk Thai. Jack can talk Thai. Jack talk Thai very well. I'm sorry, Pam, but your dad is not retired. He's still very much in the C. Greg, how come you don't like cats? I don't not like cats. I-I just-- I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know--Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of-- Jack: You need that assurance? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal? You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down.
A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do. You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball. He's gotta go for the ball. Here's what we gotta do. We're gettin' cold in here. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense. Larry, I missed one shot.
It was a big shot. Larry, keep floatin' where you are. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you.