Controlling boyfriend - the signs, the effects and important steps to take
When it comes to love, our society romanticizes intense, controlling relationships so much that it can be hard to recognize them for what they. This can sneak up on you, or it could happen all at once, but once it happens it can be detrimental to both partners in the relationship, and to. If you feel like you're always on an emotional battlefield, your partner may be of being trapped in this controlling relationship have been happening to you.
Signs of an Insecure or Paranoid Man: He constantly judges others He's jealous of other guys constantly critiques other men He questions your loyalty He smothers you with gifts He sees "disrespect" everywhere he turns He's extremely sensitive to criticism How to Handle It: There are many levels of insecurity.
A little insecurity about a certain aspect of this life is fine. If he's feeling insecure about his position at work or his performance in bed, ensure him that he is amazing and that you love him the way he is. If his insecurity turns into paranoia, sit him down and tell him your concern. Paranoia leads to feelings of mistrust in a relationship, which then leads to spying, false accusations, and a constant fear of cheating.
This is unhealthy, and it needs to be prevented or stopped. Don't reward bad behavior. Many women fall prey to the notion that the correct way to handle an insecure man is to smother him with affection or appease him. Women think, "If I show him how much I love him, he won't think that I think less of him or he won't think that I might be cheating on him.
Don't allow him to snoop or invade your privacy. Don't allow him to question yourself. You can still love your man by being supportive and by helping him overcome his insecurities. Not tackling the problem directly and masking it with superficial shows of affection don't solve the problem—they only hide it for awhile.
Do you feel like he belittles you constantly? But as time went by, the suggestions and friendly tips morphed into criticisms and demands. It turns out, your perfect guy is a control freak who demands that everything is his way or the highway. He has an array of psychological tools at his disposal to ensure you do what he wants or suffer the consequences.
The consequences range from ultimatums, manipulation, and threats to shaming, blaming, and shutting you down. Controlling men aren't always the beefed-up tough guys you see in the movies who yell and scream to get their way. They can come from just about any background and socioeconomic status.
They have learned how to fool the smartest, most capable woman, only to reveal their true natures once the woman is hooked.
The change can come on slowly like a low-grade fever that turns into a full-blown virus, or it can happen with such sudden intensity that you wonder if his body was invaded by an alien overnight.
The most difficult part, in the beginning, is the confusion and shock. He was so nice. He was so loving. Did I do something to bring this on? The short answer is no, you did nothing wrong — except maybe fail to see the early warning signs of a controlling relationship and run for the hills. They demand what they want. If they want to do something and you don't — too bad for you. If you want to do something and they don't — too bad for you.
Their desires, needs, and decisions trump yours unless they simply don't careand if you try to argue or press your case, you'll get an ear full. They will bully youpout, try to make you feel guilty, or refuse to acknowledge your request. They will make your life so miserable that you simply give in. Over time, you learn to just go along, which unfortunately trains the controlling man to tighten the reins. They criticize you constantly. They don't like what you're wearing or how you speak.
They always find the error or flaw in your successes. I'm only trying to help you. They try to isolate you from others. By using subtle negative comments or overt criticisms, these men attempt to put a wedge between you and the people you care about and who love and support you.
Without a support network of friends and family, you only have this man to turn to, and he wants to make sure you pay full attention to his needs. They attach conditions to love and affection. A controlling man uses love as a tool for manipulation.
He knows you crave love and affection, so he doles it out based on what he wants from you. He withholds sex because you spent the day with your sister. He gives you the cold shoulder and the steely-eyed glare because dinner was served too late. He uses these methods to train you like a puppy. When you obey, you get a treat. When you disobey, you get nothing — or worse. They are master guilt-trippers.
Guilt-tripping is a favorite tool of controlling men. They find your emotional Achilles heel and play you like a fiddle once they do. Caring, sensitive people don't want to feel like they've caused someone pain or anger, especially someone they love.
They want to get back into their loved one's good graces. Do you have thoughts that contradict your emotions you think one thing but you feel something else, you know he is a good person but you feel that you don't want to be near him?
Do you ever have contradictory emotions at the same time you love him and hate him in the same moment, or you are worried about him and furious at him simultaneously?
Does he reveal details about you to others that you wish he wouldn't? Does he embarrass you in public, criticize you, talk down to you or make out that you are stupid? Does he belittle you a lot, treating you as an inferior being? Does he openly tell you what you should think, say or do? Do you feel that you are losing yourself, or even have lost yourself, in the relationship?
If you do have a controlling boyfriend some of these things may be obvious to you, some of them may not. That's why it's useful to go through the list with another person because outsiders are often able to see things that you cannot. The effects of a controlling boyfriend A controlling boyfriend will not just affect your behavior, but they will be aiming to change your perception of reality, your thinking, your beliefs, your decision-making, your emotions and your behavior.
They want you to make them the center of your universe. They want you to make them the purpose of your life.
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They want you to have them in your head all the time. They want you to put them first, second and third in your life, with everyone else including you! They want all your attention and energy directed towards them.
They want you hanging on their every word, following their instructions and tending to their every whim. This type of dating and violence adds up to a very significant change of who you are. They change you at your very core.
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The essence of who you are disappears and a different 'you' appears. This 'new person' does devote all their time and attention to the controlling boyfriend. The new personality stands up for the manipulator, defending him if friends or family criticize him.
This new personality is dependent on the controlling boyfriend, needing to report everything back to him, having to check with him before doing anything important and may even get to the point of asking 'What would he think if I do or say this?
Your friends or family may have even said to you that you have changed in your relationship but you more than likely brushed it off. You may have considered that they were interfering, they didn't understand your situation, or they were exaggerating. The thing is that you are probably unaware of just how much you have changed because you were led through a process step by step and the changes were so small to you that you were unaware of many of them.
You will also probably believe that you were making your own decisions all the way along because lots of the psychological pressure being applied you was hidden from you and this also makes it difficult for you to realize how much your personality has been molded by the controlling boyfriend.
In fact, the presence of changes in the personality should be considered to be one of the important signs of a controlling boyfriend. This false personality is called a pseudopersonality and was initially described by Edgar Schein in the 's after studying the effects of brainwashing on prisoners of war.
In this situation, after the prisoners were released and went home, they continued to believe in the things that their captors had installed in them even though they were no longer under the influence of the enemy. What Schein noticed was that the original personality had been broken down, there were changes made and these new changes were frozen in place. This process was done with such strong influence techniques that the pseudopersonality did not disappear simply because the prisoner had left the coercive environment.
The ideas, beliefs and behaviors persisted after the prisoners were released. The same thing happens when someone is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend.
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A big difference is that a woman does not think that her boyfriend is an enemy. The woman is tricked into thinking that the boyfriend is caring, loving and that he has the woman's best interest at heart. This makes her a willing participant in the relationship. She trusts and believes what the boyfriend says. This further hides the psychological pressure from the woman. When a woman gets involved with a boyfriend that she knows is a bit risky, who is known to be a 'player', or is involved in somewhat dubious things, if things go bad it's not totally unexpected.
It may still be a shock but the woman knows that there were warning signs along the way. If a woman gets involved with a boyfriend who is charming, intelligent, successful and believes that she has met Mr.
Right, to find out that he is the complete opposite of what he claimed to be is a major shock to the system. To realize that your whole reality was based on lies and deception, that things you thought were true, things you based your life on, were lies, were a fabrication of a twisted and cruel mind, is devastating.
It's not possible to get over something like that in a few weeks. It's incredibly difficult to get over that on your own. It's much better to have someone who can point out the inconsistencies, the contradictions, the hidden pressures and manipulation techniques for you. There are more details here about how the pseudopersonality is created. More about the pseudopersonality The pseudopersonality is programmed to be the kind of person that the controlling boyfriend wants to have around.
It is programmed to be adoring, caring and submissive. It is programmed to think that he is right, his ideas and beliefs are the best and that it is not ok to disagree with him or have different opinions. The pseudopersonality is kept in place using fear and guilt.
There is fear of upsetting him, because, after all, that temper he has is fierce and it's best to avoid bringing that out if it can be helped at all. And the victim is make to feel guilty for making him feel bad.
Somehow it's ok for him to make you feel bad, but if you try to do the same things to him, he manages to turn it around and you end up feeling guilty for saying or doing things that upset him.
And he will typically be great at playing the victim. He has a great ability to make out that you are being nasty and selfish to him and it's often enough to get you to back down and give in to him.
This is an interesting contradiction in a controlling boyfriend, where at one and the same time he can be a victim but use that very thing to be very dominant and controlling and victimize those around him. The pseudopersonality is unable to think very well. It does not see these kind of contradictions. It is very difficult for the pseudopersonality to see many of the contradictions of the controlling boyfriend.