How to Decide if You Should Rekindle an Old Flame. Relationships can be tough and sometimes they end without you having fully explored their potential. It is how intimate partners, who gave up on their relationship in the past, rekindle their love again later in life. When their prior relationship. We all have one relationship that we can't put behind us, but is it ever wise to try to rekindle that old flame? By Sharon Parsons Updated:
However, there's something missing. Logically, on paper, we make sense. We could work things out, our problems were never insurmountable.
We're very compatible and we care about each other deeply. But I feel like I'm missing a sense of urgency, of excitement about starting anew.
I feel like I'm supposed to have this intense and passionate desire to be with him, this "can't be without you" feeling, the way I did when our relationship was new. And I just don't feel it. I've chalked it up to having been broken up for awhile, that I'd started to accept the situation for what it was, got used to being on my own and focusing on myself.
Some friends have said that maybe this means I'm not "IN love" with him anymore and that I'd be settling if we reunited, that instead of sticking with what I know is good and nice and comfortable, I should seek out something that's great, that I should hold out for that teenage feeling I've thought about taking some time to not see each other or speak, as sort of a test Can we get back together if this feeling is missing?
Am I placing too much importance on it? I want so badly to rekindle the flame that once burned so brightly between us It's natural for passion to fade. I defer to a previous comment. Don't confuse the two. The two that are temporary that lend to the urgency you describe are dopamine and norepinephrine.
Those go away after several months. When they do, you're left with oxytocin, which is the whole comfortable attachment thing.
Compared to the first two, you could say oxytocin is relatively boring. Don't get back with your ex if you don't want to, and don't get back with your ex if you're determined to keep chasing the feeling of excitement and urgency. If you want to keep having relationships and breaking up when the excitement goes away, that's a legitimate thing to do as long as you don't mislead your partners.
But please don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to somehow overcome biology and find a relationship where the excitement and urgency never goes away.
Rekindling a flame that has burnt out. - love relationships feelings | Ask MetaFilter
Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two. But as others have said above, constantly feeling like a year-old with a crush is not an achievable long-term relationship goal. I honestly feel like I'm in a relationship where the excitement and urgency have never gone away.
Or at least, they've never stayed away. Those feelings are seasonal, they come and go based on all sorts of factors. Sometimes one of us is on and the other is off, sometimes we're both on, sometimes we're both off. I understand how Nattie is trying to help with that comment, but I think trying to understand this in chemical terms drastically oversimplifies things. But if you've been seeing him casually all this time, then I'm pretty sure you would know by now if you were pining for him or still wanted him in that way.
It sounds like you've moved on more than you think. Take all the time you need to figure it out. Don't go too far down this path if you're not sure though, he may already have his hopes up a little higher than you think. You've remained "friends", but you occasionally admit to getting physical. You're still in a relationship. I think your idea that you need to not speak or see each other for a while is a good one.
After a couple of months of not talking, not seeing each other, and not getting physical, see if your desire to be with him is more passionate. You can keep some of that sass alive by flirting and being playful; I think it's a good thing to do to keep some spark alive. That's all stuff you work on though. The roots, the love, the connection, the deep friendship, the respect, you have that, and that's so awesome. But don't "settle" for it, or you'll never shake that feeling of wondering if you just settled.
Let me pipe in here as someone who is a happily married, and b someone who held out for the man her dreams, after, c being married to someone nice-yet-settled for, AND d picked up again with a guy after my divorce who was an ex-boyfriend I couldn't stop thinking about for years, etc.
Everyone is both right and wrong about those chemicals! I had those with the "d" guy, but he was a bad bad man. I still found those chemicals emotions? Of course, "d" guy was a charming manipulator narcissist! More relevant to you, however, is that I divorced my ex-husband because I had this nagging feeling there was more out there for me He was a great guy, just not exactly for me.
Sorting the courage to leave him after 7 years was one of the hardest things EVER. My friends, my city, and after a shitty childhood -- the only Home I had ever known up to that point.
And the best thing I ever did for myself, although the positive result took a looooong time to show up.
How to Decide if You Should Rekindle an Old Flame (with Pictures)
I found my way back to great chemical feeling guy mr "d" post-divorce. Eventually, it turned into a Nightmare Here's how that whole thing played out: I was with mr. Eventually, it was super clear we would never achieve the ideal relations I had in mind when I left my ex-husband. Luckily, I kept my ideal relationship in mind.
Facts and fantasies of rekindled romanceshas interviewed hundreds of lovers who re-established contact with a former flame. It appears that happy rekindlers were usually first loves rather than later loves.
And they were young—typically under age 17, and sometimes even children—when they first fell in love. Although nobody knows why such youthful love can be so powerful, Kalish realizes this is not—as parents often and insultingly say—puppy love.
It appears that this tender point of our development may lead some people into a form of emotional bonding that sets the ideal. Or maybe some just get really lucky and meet a great mate early on. Or maybe the kids we grow up with tend to share a lot of aspects of our own background—money, religion, education, etc.
Whatever the reason, young love can be very real love. One woman wrote of her parentally-forced breakup: I think if we could have been left alone then, we would have stayed together. The rekindlers did not choose to go back to incompatible lovers. Although Kalish only studied couples whose separation had lasted five years or more, the most successful renewed relationships were those with separations of 10 years or more.
The lovers who reunited successfully saw this relationship as supremely special. In hindsight, they saw that the relationship was, in fact, irreplaceable.