Dealing With Power Struggles - Positive Parenting
Power struggles can be really difficult and can put a strain on your relationship. You don't want to dread asking your child to get dressed out of fear of his. Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power as a and create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the. “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” – Peggy Principle 2: Refuse to allow 'power' to define your relationship. Power.
That, in fact, your child is "being" just like you when you don't get one of your needs met. Secondly, admit that coercive behavior is not getting you the results you want, i. The third step involves using a combination of the 17 ways to avoid power struggles in this article. The fourth step is experimenting with the alternatives and acknowledging yourself if you were successful. If you weren't, ask yourself how you will do it differently next time.
The last step is to choose a method of personal growth for yourself that will unblock your ability to unconditionally love yourself, your child, your spouse, and others in your life. This could be books, personal growth courses, or private counseling, but it will help you help yourself. The following alternatives are 17 ways to avoid power struggles. These are wonderful ways to use authentic power in your relationships with your children and it promotes positive self-concepts and cooperation.
Use any or all of these suggestions and see what a difference it makes! Oftentimes we nag and nag our children about what they should be doing. Or we talk so much that our children become "parent deaf. For example, you ask your child to pick up his toy from the living room floor. He says, "In just a minute. Put a friendly smile on your face, bring your child over to the toy on the floor and walk away. If he says, "What? The minute you start answering questions or talking, you leave the door open to engage in a verbal struggle.
Use one word suggestions. We make over 2, compliance requests daily to our children, "pick up your toys," "brush your teeth," "eat your cereal," etc. That kind of communication gets old and children just begin to tune it out.
Instead, use one word, like "toys" or "teeth" or "cereal. Tell your children ahead of time that you are going to stop nagging so much and that you will be using just one word from now on to say what needs to be done.
Parent-Child Power Struggles
No is a complete sentence. Children are programmed from birth to push and resist against rules. Saying no is just a boundary and if you feel guilty or bad for saying no, you are training your children to have the belief that life should go their way and if it doesn't, it's your fault as their parent!
Say no, just once, and if she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem. Teach your children to say no to you in a respectful way. How many of us were allowed to say no growing up? If we weren't allowed to, we did say no in a number of other ways. Like rebelling, or doing a job half-way. Teach your children to say respectfully, "No, I'm not willing to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and clear the table.
Give your child choices. We all like to feel powerful and influential and our children are no different. Let them make as many choices as they can that will give them control over what happens to them. For instance, "Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?
The more they feel valuable to us, the less likely they are to misbehave. Ask their advice on buying clothes, or how to decorate your home. Have them teach you a game or a fun activity. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict. Most of us were not taught the concept of win-win negotiation. We most likely experienced situations that were win-lose or lose-lose. In a power struggle the most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results.
Parent-Child Power Struggles
It can be challenging since you must listen intently to what the other person wants while staying committed to what you want. Ask your child, "I see how you can win and that's great, because I want you to win.
How can I win, too? Brainstorm solutions to the struggle. Getting to Win-Win Power struggles often feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose. A win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got what they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too.
Can you think of a solution that works for both of us? Teach children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate situations. Powerlessness Creates Revenge Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power through revenge.
They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. To draw out the locus of pain, take time to listen, summarize what your teen is trying to say, and work to validate him or her.Power Struggles: Don’t Take the Bait
Defiance in a family is often a sign that something larger is amiss. Refuse to accept the burden of responsibility Many power struggles result from parents attempting to force a teen to change—often motivated by their anxiety for their teen. Paradoxically, as parents press for change, their teenager often feels less of a burden to manage that area of life. Here are some ways you can shift the burden of responsibility from you to your teen. Give your teen the choice to comply. Instead we need to provide him or her with choices and allow the consequences to play out according to their decisions.
Pre-plan consequences suggestion 3 below to help accomplish this suggestion. Why play the heavy all the time when real life can do the work for you? Recognize when natural consequences will speak the loudest. Leverage consequences that are in your control. Before I enter a power struggle, I often ask, a Can I enforce this consequence? Often accomplishing these goals requires some forethought.
Dealing With Power Struggles
Stay ahead of the game. Whenever possible, pre-plan consequences—discuss them ahead of time with your teen.
When consequences are pre-planned with your teen, it is much harder for your teen to blame your reaction for the severity of the enforced consequence. Teens often have trouble considering longer-term consequences. Offer a clear picture of the longer-term consequences both natural consequences and your own interventions to allow your teenager to more fully consider his or her choices.
And in a better scenario, your teen may try to prove you wrong by making a good choice, and thus avoiding negative consequences. Get buy-in from your teen through a behavior contract. Include your teen in deciding what are appropriate limits for misbehavior. Teens often come up with reasonable consequences and rewards unless they are committed to sabotaging the process. With a successful behavior plan, the behavior contract gets blamed when the rules are enforced, not you.